~The poem I wrote for today is kinda... eh. Sooo, I am going to post an old poem that I wrote a while back for a friend. She was dealing with a stupid guy and "Forbidden Fruit" was written to help her see what a jerk he was! I hope you all enjoy :) ~
“FORBIDDEN FRUIT”
One cannot say they have lived without a forbidden fruit in their life.
He’ll steal your heart like petty thieves steal pears from a nearby market.
Walking beside you, empty words will escape his empty mouth.
I love you is compared to the heat in Death Valley; extensive and overflowing.
After years pass by the forbidden fruit seems to be the same…
He’s shiny. He’s plastic on the outside and painted with lying blasphemy.
On the inside his rotting heart beats at a Mozart pace with much disdain.
Then the next thing is done. Done. Before you can snap those dainty little fingers.
That fruit from the garden has shifted his sprawling eyes from pretty in pink to the next gazelle in the corner of the room. Victim to next victim until relational death do them part. It begins, and like the helpless blind man and a guide dog, you needed him. But now you see. Now you see the disastrous horrors of that sweet forbidden fruit.
This is the poem I've enjoyed most out of your 14 to date. There's some truly wonderful images in here, however, I think you need to be brave & cut at least 30% of the words to tighten it up. Also, you kinda lose control of the metaphor by the end & the gazelle really throws everything cock-a-hoop.
ReplyDeleteI know you said somewhere that you usually write rhyme, but it's no surprise to me that this is free verse & the one which appeals the most to me. It seems rawer & edgier than your neat little rhymes ... so much so that you lose control of it by the end, but it is still exciting for all that.
Just my 2 cents worth. Happy to haggle with you about it :)
Also if you want advice on how I'd edit it, lemme know. Or you can just tell me to take a long walk off a short jetty. Either way, keep writing . :D
Thank you so so very much for this comment!! I absolutely love constructive criticism and assistance with my writing. If you may, I would love some editing advice. Again, I appreciate this greatly that you would even take the time to read my poems.
Delete-Jordyn
sure :) so how do you want to do this ? in public here in the comments ? or via email or line/some other chat?
Deletefirst up though is try editing it yourself & cut at least 20? 25? words ...
my email if you want is garethroi@gmail.com